Life through my eyes

A journey. Trying to find answers to all the wrong questions. My random thoughts and photography combined for a giant mess. The giant mess I happen to call my life.

The truth is I don’t know how to slow down. I’ve been working so hard for what I have that I’ve gotten so much that there’s no way to slow down. I can’t work any less because I have bills to pay. Working full time means it’s hard for me to actually get up on my days off and do things. My days off are for my family and that’s it. All my spare time goes to them and then wade gets me when I’m off work. I’m in a high paced world and sometimes I need to stop and take a breath. Which is exactly what I did today, I slept until I felt rested. I spent the day with my mom and little sister. I felt relaxed. Then I talked to someone I met at work who made me question how I was living life. They gave me a new perspective and just blew my mind away. They live the life of a gypsy. And that’s the thing I want. I want that life style. Whenever the road takes me I’ll go. They told me the downsides and the positives. They opened my eyes in just an hour of conversation. They showed me that my little life is just a tiny fraction of the world.

Sometimes I wonder if what I’m doing in life is the right thing. I feel wrong for questioning my decisions. But I can’t help but wonder if I am doing what’s right or if I’m not. So many people tell me to slow down but it feels impossible too.

I feel a loss that you’ll never feel. It haunts me everyday and you act like nothing. I don’t understand why men don’t form attachments to their babies as quickly as women. I know that I was the one caring my little ones but still, they are just as much me as they are them. Both times they push it away. It’s almost like they had the same reaction. They both were relieved while each time I die a little inside. Wade was hit hard the first few days and now he’s fine. Why must it take me so long to get over this? I just want a family. I want my children. I want to experience pregnancy and have my own. I want nothing more.

I get so envious when I see a pregnant woman.

I wish I could be carrying my child right now. I want more than anything to have a bundle of joy growing. The amount of love I possess for my children up in heaven is infinite. I just want my little munchkins here. I want a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby. I want my littles here with me. I’m lying awake just thinking about the joys I could have. I am a mother to angels who watch over me everyday. I walk through this life and not many know. Every pregnant lady I see I cringe a little inside. I worry that I’ll never be able to have children. I want more than anything to see those two positive lines and have a healthy child. I long for this..

As each day goes on I realize how in love with you I truly am. When I first saw you I knew you were different. I’ve never been in a relationship where I felt so secure. You make me feel wanted. You show me what love is. I wear a ring now showing the world that I am your fiancé and one day I’ll be married to you. I’ll live a life full of happiness simply because you’re in it. When I met you, I felt crazy for wanting to be with you so much. Now I realize why, you’re my soulmate. My other half, my missing piece. When you placed that ring on my finger it joined us together in a way I’ve never felt. My love for you could move mountains. I’ve never felt something so strong. Your sea blue eyes make me melt inside. Some people might say I’m crazy, or that we are crazy. I don’t care though. I’m in love with you and I’m spending the rest of my life with you.

I love that my ring isn’t a traditional solitaire. It’s different and it fits our relationship. We did things pretty untraditional and I’m 100 percent okay with that. Being engaged to my bestfriend is one of the most amazing feelings. I never though I would meet someone and have them feel the same way about me. We have a lot of planning to do, but that’s okay. With all of his training he has coming up we decided to wait a year or so for the actual wedding. I couldn’t be happier. I’m marrying my soulmate.

I love that my ring isn’t a traditional solitaire. It’s different and it fits our relationship. We did things pretty untraditional and I’m 100 percent okay with that. Being engaged to my bestfriend is one of the most amazing feelings. I never though I would meet someone and have them feel the same way about me. We have a lot of planning to do, but that’s okay. With all of his training he has coming up we decided to wait a year or so for the actual wedding. I couldn’t be happier. I’m marrying my soulmate.

I haven’t sleep solid through a night since this has happened. Your dad won’t leave my side. He’s been staying here every night but it doesn’t make go away. Today after work I ran a hot bath for myself just hoping to relax. When he arrived he brought chocolates in and we ate chocolates while I was in the bath and he was sitting beside. Your dad is the greatest man. He is the most care free soul I’ve ever met. We balance each other out so well. My love for him will forever grow. Your father is my soul mate little one. We decided our wedding won’t be for a year or so. That way we can enjoy the engagement. My sweet child of mine I wish you could be with us as we celebrate that day. I know you’ll be looking down from the heavens and watching us tie the knot. I love you my little prince.

I thought I’ve been through the worst life could throw at me but I was wrong. I woke up this morning thinking about who you would look like. Your daddy or I. I’ve called you a little boy since the moment we found out. I know you would grow to be someone strong and independent. But as I rolled out of my bed this morning something was wrong. I went to the bathroom and I knew what was happening. I was losing you. The most important thing to me was slowly running away from me. The pain was unbearable and I knew I needed to go to the hospital. I prayed and I prayed that you would be okay and that it was just a hiccup in things. All the prayers I said weren’t enough. You were already gone. When I saw the ultrasound screen I knew what they were going to tell me at the end of the day. I knew it wasn’t what I wanted to hear. My sweet child was gone. I don’t know how to process what’s going on right now. I’m in bed right now hoping that this can all end. The pain and the blood are a constant reminder. The days following this are going to be so hard. I know you’ll be up above watching over your father and I. I know you’ll look down on us. You’re with your siblings now. My sweet angel babies I love each one of you. I’m so sorry I’m not capable of holding on to you. I wish I could mother you down here. I wish more than anything I could hold you in my arms. I love you and I’m so sorry.

I forget too often to be thankful for what I have around me. I’m very lucky to have the life I have. Although it’s impossible to maintain relationships with anyone, I’m doing okay. It’s mainly my fault for working full time 30 minutes away from where I live. But seriously I wouldn’t change my job for anything. I love my job so much. I’m happy everyday I get to wake up and go to work. Something about serving people makes me feel great. I hear countless stories everyday and learn a little about the strangest things. I’ve talked to more people in my life than I ever thought I would. I once was just a shy person and now I’ll gladly start a conversation. My work is my home and I don’t want to leave. I might just be a manager at a little restaurant but I wouldn’t change it for anything. I’m so thankful for having a job I love. It might have taken away my social life but I have the rest of my life. In this moment I’m soaking up my love for my job. People say I should change my ways and make more time for life but seriously I don’t want too. I am making so much money and I’m having such a good time. I have no desire to take anytime off. Im
Just so thankful for having this job.

When everything is up it’s bound to fall down. You don’t realize but you lose your ground as you reach further for the stars. You forget to look down at the ground where you started. You hold onto what you have with every ounce of strength inside of you all because you’re afraid to go where you once were. On top of the world only last so long, and my time up here is done. I lost sight of disappointment and forgot what expectations were. I pushed it all away just to feel a happiness I longed for. As I slide down, I get a feeling I forgot. The feeling in my throat that swells up into an ocean of tears. I forgot what it felt like to lose control and just let it out. I didn’t miss this feeling but I was blinded by the light on top. The sun captivated my being and made me lose sight of that feeling. I wish I could have stayed up there a little longer. Days where the sun made my tears evaporate before they even begun. Now as I slide down back to the real world, I cry because I’m facing the disappointment and hurt I wanted to forget.

Lately I don’t know what’s happened with us. You seem distant, probably because I’ve been so busy. I’m so sorry for not making time for you. You deserve all of my spare time. I honestly don’t know what I would do if I were to lose you. I can’t fathom going a day without you in my life. It scares me so much. I always told myself to never get attached to anyone like I once did, but look where I am now. I can’t help but be so in love with you. You’re what I see when I look into the future. I can’t handle thinking about you not being in my future. I’m so independent in life you’ve taught me to be. But you never taught me how to be independent with my heart. I depend on you because I love you. I don’t want you to walk away. I want you to love me the ways I love you. I’m so afraid that I’m more emotionally invested in this than you are. You’re so care free when it comes to thinking of the future. You take one day at a time with us. Where I want to plan our life together. It’s the one thing we disagree on. I want to know what the future holds and you want to take it as it comes. I pray that I don’t lose you. I have no real reason to think I might. But just the thought of you ever walking out of my life hurts my heart. I’ve built my new life and you’re the biggest part of it. I love you.

I can’t let go. As much as I try too. I’ll never be able to. You’re forever a part of me and no one understands. Our angel up above forever connects us in ways many don’t know. No matter how much I try and distance myself I always reflect back on you. I want the best for you. I want you to be independent and see the world. I want you to see other peoples point of views not just your own. Stop being so selfish and maybe life will be good to you. I pray that you grow up and see how hard life really is. It isn’t just drinks and fun all the time. I hope that you just once think about our angel up above. I pray that you see how hard it is for me to let you go. It’s the best thing for me and I just want you to see that. Stop please just stop telling me you love me. I’ve loved you more than anyone but I finally have allowed myself to love again. I’m in love with someone who treats me right. Who gives me what I deserve. I’m better off without you but I can’t help but want the best for you.

I can’t even find it in me to reflect on this last year. There is so much pain that I’ve endured. I don’t want to look back on it all. I want this year to be the year that I leave the past behind. I need to move on. I have too. I can’t keep the past here any longer. It hurts to know I need to let go but it’s my only way to move on. It’s the first day of the year and it’s the first day of goodbyes. Goodbye to my past.