I’ve fucked up my life to a point where I can’t even begin to fix it.
This whole fucking page is about what I’ve lost. Who I’ve lost when I’ve lost it. Like fuck. I get so happy and then you can see it all crash again. My life is a fucking circle. I go up and then I crash again. I’m so over this ever going cycle.
Nothing irritates me more than dreaming about you. I can’t handle waking up thinking about you. The fact that in my dreams things are okay between us but in reality you hate me with every ounce of your being. I want to forget you. I want to erase you. I hate myself for hurting you. I have so much hate built up around the idea of you. I have no reason to even hate you. I hate myself more than anything. I just can’t control my anger when I wake up thinking about you. Why the fuck does my brain give me dreams about you? I wake up and have to process everything I’ve done wrong all over again.
I’ve never missed someone as much as i miss you. I’m so glad you’re happy but fuck I want you back in my life again. Maybe I’m selfish but I miss you so much. I would do anything to make things better with you. I never meant to hurt you or make you walk away. I love you with everything I have. I just fucking miss you.
You never love as much as you did with your first lover. You never feel as much as you once did. A part of you is forever hidden in a place that’s unreachable. You’ll never get that part of you back. You can fight to feel the way your first love felt with numerous souls but no one will compare. The way I love you rolled off of your tongue so flawlessly will forever be a horrible memory. Your first love will haunt your dreams and take over your late night thoughts. You run so far away from where you once were and all you want is to feel what it felt like. Days go on and the memories don’t dull. They don’t grow they just stay. Your first are something that you can never take back. Your first love is the one that haunts you for the rest of your life.
I don’t understand why I can never let myself be fully happy. I cant be one hundred percent happy. There’s always something wrong. Depression is seriously the worst illness out there. I wish for one day I could feel what it’s like to not have depression. I always wonder how people are so happy all the damn time. I can be happy in situations but there’s always something missing. I don’t know if I’ll ever understand the meaning of complete happiness.
I don’t know if I’ll ever feel the things I felt with you again. Nothing can replace the feeling of being in love your first time. Your first real kiss and the first time you make love. Nothing can change those things in time. You live and you learn yet your past actions are forever stuck with you. I wish there was a way to erase my first moments. When I think back I’ll always be reminded of one person. The one person I would love to forget. It’s as if he will always haunt me no matter what I do. My first child is shared with him. He fathers an angel up above. His blood mixed with my blood created my guarding angel. I use to hate him for hurting me but now I feel as if I hurt him. I hurt him more than he ever hurt me. When I think of him all I feel is pain. I feel a giant wave of guilt. I’ve officially made that part of my life the past. Now I just wish I could erase it. My first are suppose to be remembered. They are suppose to be memories I cherish, but I’ve turned them into the one thing I wish to forget. I don’t know how to change things and I don’t think I’ll ever be able too. I’m just hoping that one day I’ll wake up and he will be forgotten. That my memories linked with him will bring no emotion. They will just be more words on a page that was written years ago.
Deep thoughts tonight. Can’t seem to figure out what’s wrong or right. I really hurt you and I finally realized it. I loved you for years and you continually hurt me. But you never did as poorly as I did you. I should have talked with you. I should have told you what was going on in my life. Instead I let others tell you and hurt you. I never meant to break your heart like I did. I wanted to remain friends but how do you stay friends after this. Hurting you was the last thing I ever wanted. I’m sorry. I truly am.
The truth is I don’t know how to slow down. I’ve been working so hard for what I have that I’ve gotten so much that there’s no way to slow down. I can’t work any less because I have bills to pay. Working full time means it’s hard for me to actually get up on my days off and do things. My days off are for my family and that’s it. All my spare time goes to them and then wade gets me when I’m off work. I’m in a high paced world and sometimes I need to stop and take a breath. Which is exactly what I did today, I slept until I felt rested. I spent the day with my mom and little sister. I felt relaxed. Then I talked to someone I met at work who made me question how I was living life. They gave me a new perspective and just blew my mind away. They live the life of a gypsy. And that’s the thing I want. I want that life style. Whenever the road takes me I’ll go. They told me the downsides and the positives. They opened my eyes in just an hour of conversation. They showed me that my little life is just a tiny fraction of the world.
Sometimes I wonder if what I’m doing in life is the right thing. I feel wrong for questioning my decisions. But I can’t help but wonder if I am doing what’s right or if I’m not. So many people tell me to slow down but it feels impossible too.
I feel a loss that you’ll never feel. It haunts me everyday and you act like nothing. I don’t understand why men don’t form attachments to their babies as quickly as women. I know that I was the one caring my little ones but still, they are just as much me as they are them. Both times they push it away. It’s almost like they had the same reaction. They both were relieved while each time I die a little inside. Wade was hit hard the first few days and now he’s fine. Why must it take me so long to get over this? I just want a family. I want my children. I want to experience pregnancy and have my own. I want nothing more.
I get so envious when I see a pregnant woman.
I wish I could be carrying my child right now. I want more than anything to have a bundle of joy growing. The amount of love I possess for my children up in heaven is infinite. I just want my little munchkins here. I want a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby. I want my littles here with me. I’m lying awake just thinking about the joys I could have. I am a mother to angels who watch over me everyday. I walk through this life and not many know. Every pregnant lady I see I cringe a little inside. I worry that I’ll never be able to have children. I want more than anything to see those two positive lines and have a healthy child. I long for this..