Life through my eyes

A journey. Trying to find answers to all the wrong questions. My random thoughts and photography combined for a giant mess. The giant mess I happen to call my life.

Anxiety is like the human version of a tornado. Your brain seriously starts slowly spinning and before you know it its sucking up every thought you’ve ever had and just spinning in circles. You try and grasp one thought but then the tornado picks it up and your brain goes spinning again. You plant your feet on the ground and your determined to stand still and focus. One more time you reach out and you try to find your thoughts. The wind pushes you and knocks you down. You try and stand but you can’t. The wind reaches you and before you know it the tornado has captivated your whole being. Your breathing picks up as the wind takes all your breath away, quick short breaths are all you have left . The chill of the wind leaves you shaking. There’s no way out. The tornado of anxiety has taken control. You have no choice but to ride out storm until it dies down. You can feel the wind slowly dissipate, your breathing slows down as the tornado drops you with no cares. You’ve ridden the storm. You’re a thousand miles away from your one original thought. Shaking, you slowly reach your hand out to sort the mess the tornado has left…

I’m angry. I’m hurt. I’m sad. I’m tired. I’m so emotionally overwhelmed that I just want to scream. I seriously cannot handle my emotions right now. I am going to lose it. I’m so everywhere at once and I can’t keep them under control. I want to cry and punch through my walls. I don’t know why I can’t get them under control. I hurt so bad. I’m choking down tears. My chest is heavy and it’s just so hard. My life is a mess. I don’t know where to start. I can’t move. I just lay here helpless. I just want to quit. I give up. I can’t control my emotions now how the fuck am I suppose to control my damn life.

I’m twenty years old and I’ve already been engaged and mothered three angel babies. I’ve gone through more than most have my age and I hate it. I wish that I could have gotten to be carefree longer and more so than I was. I regret not doing as much as I could when I had the chance. I’ll never be able to go back to no responsibilities. I’ll never look at another relationship the same. I called myself a mother today and someone looked at me so confused. I then took it back so I didn’t have to explain to them that my three babies watch over me. I know it’s cruel of me to push them out of my memory but I have just so i can get through life. I look at life through the eyes of a woman who’s gone through so much loss. When people look at me they don’t suspect what really lies underneath. I’ve planned a wedding and had it crushed right in front of me. I watched a man I loved with all my heart turn into a controlling fiancé. I want more than anything to spend the rest of my life with the person I first met. I don’t know who he became or why he became that way. Or maybe it’s who he was all along. I have a sweet child watching over us because of him. I have a new place because of him. But what am I left with because of him? I’m left with emptiness and more responsibilities. A child up above in the clouds. A house with rent that I have to pay myself. I have no idea where my life goes from here. I’m a twenty year old who has a soul that’s ready to break. I’ve hit my breaking point yet I still wear a smile plastered upon my face. I’ve lost a man I love more than I should. A man I wanted to call my husband. I’ve lost three children to harsh realities of my body not being able to carry them. I’ve lost friends because of enclosing myself. But I’m a twenty year old who cherishes the things in front of her. I have so much that I need to be thankful for. Yes I’ve lost more than I care to admit and more than people see. But I have people around me who have stayed through it all and I am so lucky to have those people. But I’m at a breaking point. I’m at a point where it’s hard to see the positive. Where the negatives outshine the positives. I’m at place where I just need to run away.

I’ve fucked up my life to a point where I can’t even begin to fix it.

This whole fucking page is about what I’ve lost. Who I’ve lost when I’ve lost it. Like fuck. I get so happy and then you can see it all crash again. My life is a fucking circle. I go up and then I crash again. I’m so over this ever going cycle.

Nothing irritates me more than dreaming about you. I can’t handle waking up thinking about you. The fact that in my dreams things are okay between us but in reality you hate me with every ounce of your being. I want to forget you. I want to erase you. I hate myself for hurting you. I have so much hate built up around the idea of you. I have no reason to even hate you. I hate myself more than anything. I just can’t control my anger when I wake up thinking about you. Why the fuck does my brain give me dreams about you? I wake up and have to process everything I’ve done wrong all over again.

I’ve never missed someone as much as i miss you. I’m so glad you’re happy but fuck I want you back in my life again. Maybe I’m selfish but I miss you so much. I would do anything to make things better with you. I never meant to hurt you or make you walk away. I love you with everything I have. I just fucking miss you.

I’ve never missed someone as much as i miss you. I’m so glad you’re happy but fuck I want you back in my life again. Maybe I’m selfish but I miss you so much. I would do anything to make things better with you. I never meant to hurt you or make you walk away. I love you with everything I have. I just fucking miss you.

You never love as much as you did with your first lover. You never feel as much as you once did. A part of you is forever hidden in a place that’s unreachable. You’ll never get that part of you back. You can fight to feel the way your first love felt with numerous souls but no one will compare. The way I love you rolled off of your tongue so flawlessly will forever be a horrible memory. Your first love will haunt your dreams and take over your late night thoughts. You run so far away from where you once were and all you want is to feel what it felt like. Days go on and the memories don’t dull. They don’t grow they just stay. Your first are something that you can never take back. Your first love is the one that haunts you for the rest of your life.

I don’t understand why I can never let myself be fully happy. I cant be one hundred percent happy. There’s always something wrong. Depression is seriously the worst illness out there. I wish for one day I could feel what it’s like to not have depression. I always wonder how people are so happy all the damn time. I can be happy in situations but there’s always something missing. I don’t know if I’ll ever understand the meaning of complete happiness.

I don’t know if I’ll ever feel the things I felt with you again. Nothing can replace the feeling of being in love your first time. Your first real kiss and the first time you make love. Nothing can change those things in time. You live and you learn yet your past actions are forever stuck with you. I wish there was a way to erase my first moments. When I think back I’ll always be reminded of one person. The one person I would love to forget. It’s as if he will always haunt me no matter what I do. My first child is shared with him. He fathers an angel up above. His blood mixed with my blood created my guarding angel. I use to hate him for hurting me but now I feel as if I hurt him. I hurt him more than he ever hurt me. When I think of him all I feel is pain. I feel a giant wave of guilt. I’ve officially made that part of my life the past. Now I just wish I could erase it. My first are suppose to be remembered. They are suppose to be memories I cherish, but I’ve turned them into the one thing I wish to forget. I don’t know how to change things and I don’t think I’ll ever be able too. I’m just hoping that one day I’ll wake up and he will be forgotten. That my memories linked with him will bring no emotion. They will just be more words on a page that was written years ago.

Deep thoughts tonight. Can’t seem to figure out what’s wrong or right. I really hurt you and I finally realized it. I loved you for years and you continually hurt me. But you never did as poorly as I did you. I should have talked with you. I should have told you what was going on in my life. Instead I let others tell you and hurt you. I never meant to break your heart like I did. I wanted to remain friends but how do you stay friends after this. Hurting you was the last thing I ever wanted. I’m sorry. I truly am.

The truth is I don’t know how to slow down. I’ve been working so hard for what I have that I’ve gotten so much that there’s no way to slow down. I can’t work any less because I have bills to pay. Working full time means it’s hard for me to actually get up on my days off and do things. My days off are for my family and that’s it. All my spare time goes to them and then wade gets me when I’m off work. I’m in a high paced world and sometimes I need to stop and take a breath. Which is exactly what I did today, I slept until I felt rested. I spent the day with my mom and little sister. I felt relaxed. Then I talked to someone I met at work who made me question how I was living life. They gave me a new perspective and just blew my mind away. They live the life of a gypsy. And that’s the thing I want. I want that life style. Whenever the road takes me I’ll go. They told me the downsides and the positives. They opened my eyes in just an hour of conversation. They showed me that my little life is just a tiny fraction of the world.

Sometimes I wonder if what I’m doing in life is the right thing. I feel wrong for questioning my decisions. But I can’t help but wonder if I am doing what’s right or if I’m not. So many people tell me to slow down but it feels impossible too.